In the first five years of life, children experience an incredible amount of physical, neural, social, emotional and language development. Not only do they experience rapid growth, but they’re also discovering what it means to be a little human in a big world. Everything is new, which is exciting! But for your child it can also be frustrating. As they hit toddlerhood, they’re experiencing a desire for autonomy. You may hear “I do it myself” or “no!” on repeat at this stage. Their rapid development and budding sense of independence often leads to emotional outbursts and tantrums when something doesn’t go quite right.
For example, you may not have realized your child wanted to put on their shoes by themselves or you were running late and needed to get out of the house quickly, so you did it for them. Your little one doesn’t have the communication skills needed to express disappointment. Instead, they’re wailing, face down on the ground kicking their little legs. And you’re left exasperated, late and a little confused. What do you do?
First, it’s important to remember that all behavior is communication. What your child couldn’t communicate verbally they will communicate non-verbally. Knowing this can help change how you react in these situations.
Early Communication
How do infants communicate? They can’t verbally tell you that they’re hungry, tired or overstimulated. Instead, they cry. You react to the cry by figuring out what your baby needs: a new diaper, food or snuggles before nap time.
Now think of that toddler. While they may have some language skills and favorite words (no!), they don’t have enough to tell us everything they’re experiencing. They also can’t cognitively or socially understand all that’s happening around them. So, what happens? Meltdowns.
Before a Tantrum
Pop on your detective hat because you’re going to play super sleuth. It’s helpful to understand the cause of a tantrum so that you know how to help your little one through them. Pay attention to the moments before a meltdown occurs. What happened? For toddlers, it could be just about anything like giving them a blue cup when they wanted pink.
If that happens a lot, give your independent toddler a choice. Ask them which cup they prefer, what shirt they want to wear or if they want to read a book or play a game before bath time. Keep the options limited so that it’s not overwhelming. The choice, or illusion of choice, is a great way to support your toddler’s sense of autonomy while not giving into toddler pandemonium.
There will be times when a tantrum trigger is unavoidable. But you can still try to offset the meltdown with modifications. If a tantrum happens before transitions, like from play time to dinner time, offer frequent time warning check ins: “10 more minutes until dinner!” You can also try using a visual timer for these countdowns.
If putting on shoes is a problem, you can first offer a choice: “Do you want to wear your sneakers or your boots?” Or “Do you want to put them on, or do you want me to put them on?” If you anticipate the latter, make sure you give yourself extra time to prevent the anxiety of running late! Your child will pick up on your verbal and non-verbal cues.
Taming Tantrums
It’s our job as trusted adults to help little ones through their tough moments (even when we want to meltdown alongside them).
- Stay calm. Meeting your child’s overwhelm with soothing energy helps them feel safe and can sometimes diffuse a tantrum sooner.
- Verbalize the situation. And your toddler’s reaction to it. Be sure to also label the emotion your child is feeling. This is known as sportscasting. For example, you could say, “I see that you’re trying to put on your jacket. You tried to put it on two times, and it got tangled. You’re now crying and yelling because you’re feeling frustrated.”
- Offer calm-down techniques or solutions. Once the emotional outburst has settled, show your toddler ways to manage their emotions or how to accomplish the task.
- For example, show them how to put on a jacket. First, lay the jacket in front of your child upside down. Then show them how to bend over to put their arms in the arm holes and flip the jacket over their head.
- Share how you like to calm down when you get frustrated. Turn on music and stamp your feet, scream into a pillow, deep breaths, take a bowl of ice cubes outside and spike them onto the ground, etc.
- Give them language to use. If your little one is frustrated and not in a full-blown tantrum, you can offer them some language to use. If it’s meltdown city, wait until after the storm has passed to do this. You could say, “You can tell me ‘I’m frustrated and I need help.’ Can you say, ‘I’m frustrated?’”
Tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood. Even when it feels like you’re the only parent dealing with a grocery story meltdown, you’re not alone! Meet your little one with empathy, calm and support and the tantrums will get easier.
