How do you feel when you’re running late and stuck in traffic? Frustrated may be an understatement. How about watching a movie where the dog dies (or the “Baby Race” episode of Bluey)? Deep sadness. These are big emotions that as adults we’ve (hopefully) learned how to manage. We’ve had years to learn how to name and regulate these feelings. Young children, however, are just beginning that journey. They feel emotions just as intensely — sometimes even more so — but they lack the language, tools and neurological development to manage them effectively.
When a child feels overwhelmed by emotion, their body often reacts before their words do. You might notice flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, clenched fists or tears. These physiological signs are clues that your child is experiencing something big inside. And when those feelings boil over, they may hit, kick, scream, or throw toys, not because they’re “bad,” but because they’re trying to cope with something they don’t yet understand.
Name What You See
One of the most powerful tools you have is co-regulation: helping your child calm down by staying calm yourself. Start by narrating what you observe in a neutral, compassionate tone.
“I see your face is red, your breathing is fast and your fists are tight. It looks like you’re feeling really angry.”
This simple act of naming helps children feel seen and understood. It also begins to build their emotional vocabulary, which is essential for self-regulation later on.
Validate the Emotion, Set the Boundary
Children need to know that all feelings are welcome but not all responses to the feelings are. Try validating their experience while still holding a firm boundary.
“It’s okay to feel angry. Everyone feels angry sometimes. But we don’t hit, even when we’re mad. We can say ‘stop it!’, we can walk away or we can even yell in a loud voice. But we cannot hurt our friends.”
By validating their feelings, setting and holding a boundary and then teaching them what to do instead, you’re helping your child understand that emotions don’t have to be scary, while guiding them toward safer ways to express themselves.
Replay the Moment
Once your child is calm, revisit the situation together. This helps them make sense of what happened and learn from it.
“I saw your brother take your book. Then your face got red, your breathing changed and you hit him. You were feeling angry, but we never use our hands to hurt. Next time, you can say, ‘No! That’s my book!’ or come get me for help.”
You can even role-play the moment together. Let your child practice using words or walking away. This not only reinforces better choices, it also gives them a sense of agency and confidence.
Stay Curious, Not Furious
Power struggles often arise when children feel powerless. Think about it — all day they’re told what, when, where and how to do things. This lack of independence doesn’t bode well for young children seeking a little autonomy. Instead of reacting with anger or punishment, try responding with curiosity.
“You really wanted to choose the blue cup, and I gave you the red one. That felt unfair to you.”
When children feel understood, they’re more likely to cooperate. You’re not giving in; you’re giving them the emotional safety they need to grow.
Remember, your child isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time. By staying calm, narrating what you see, validating their feelings and teaching better ways to respond, you’re building the important foundation for emotional intelligence, empathy and resilience.
